Don't Slam the Borobudur
by IcyKali
Summary: Lupin and friends are in Central Java for a simple, but extremely special, heist. Lupin knows stealing this beautiful Buddhist relic will make Fujiko want to marry him for sure! But will Lupin and Fujiko be stopped by a problem they never expected? Red Jacket Lupin. Goemon-focused.


_Don't Slam the Borobudur_

_A/N: I hope you enjoy my first Lupin III fanfic! I'd love to hear what you think of it! I also wrote this story somewhat quickly, so please let me know if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes. The characterizations I chose are based primarily on Red Jacket, Tokyo Crisis, and maybe Castle of Cagliostro._

It was the dead of night. Near Yogyakarta, in Central Java, Lupin's yellow Fiat sped down a tree-lined road off Badra Wati. It was warm and muggy, and the slight wind wasn't helping the gang feel any cooler. Jigen was lounging in the front seat with an arm and a leg sticking out of the car, and Goemon was meditating in the backseat, visualizing a cold winter's evening. But Lupin was intensely focused on the road, almost like he was trying to stare it into submission.

"Hey, Lupin," said Jigen, "It's already been forty frickin' minutes. Mind telling us why we can't stay in the nice, air-conditioned hotel?"

Goemon opened one eye, but didn't move from his position. "You know, you haven't exactly made your plans clear to us, Lupin."

Lupin didn't slow down at all. Keeping his eyes on the highway, he hastily opened the glove compartment and took out a rolled up map and a flashlight. "All right, all right. I'll satisfy your curiosity." Lupin turned on the flashlight, stuffed it in his mouth. He unfurled the map, shone the light on it, and held it up over his head to show Goemon and Jigen. It showed the top-view of a temple, and it looked a lot like a mandala—it showed the complex in three different colors to show the levels."This is going to be a real easy job. In fact, you two probably don't have to do anything. But we'll need you to distract any curious tourists who are up past their bedtimes."

"What do you mean, 'we?'" asked Jigen.

"Oh yeah, well," said Lupin, "this heist need only be a two-man job... or a one man, one woman job, to be precise." He grinned. "Fujiko's going to maneuver a helicopter right over the stupa at the top, here..." Lupin pointed to the center of the map. "...it's not even forty meters above sea-level! Then I'll repel down, steal the jewel from inside the stupa, climb back up, and it's over! Oh, right, and this is Borobudur temple." Lupin realized he needed both hands on the wheel, and quickly clenched it in a deathgrip just in time before he smashed into a tree.

"I know," said Goemon. "It's only the most popular tourist attraction in Indonesia. But tell us, Lupin, what is the jewel that you desire from a Hinayana Buddhist temple?"

Lupin laughed. He looked dreamily up at the cloudy night sky, like he saw the stairway to heaven up there. "Oh, you wouldn't understand." He sighed.

Jigen turned away. "Okay, then shut up and let me sleep the rest of the way."

"Hey! That was just supposed to make you guys more interested! Listen, there's this round jewel that's like a pearl and it's part of a traveling exhibit. It's a relic of the Buddha after he was cremated."

Goemon suddenly became very attentive.

"I need to steal this jewel for Fujiko so I can have it cut into a ring. I mean, if I give her such a meaningful object, she has to marry once and for all!"

"Cut... into a ring?" asked Goemon.

"Yeah, you know, you could even do the honors, Goemon." Lupin smiled serenely. "Would you do it for my love?"

Goemon blinked several times. He leaned to the right and slumped over on the seat.

"So, what do you think, Goemon?" asked Lupin. "Hey, earth to Goemon?" Lupin turned his head and saw Goemon laying uncomfortably on his side. Lupin decelerated and pulled over.

"Jigen, can you get the smelling salts out of the glove compartment? Looks like he was just too happy for me and my fiancee," said Lupin.

"More like too disgusted," Jigen grumbled, but he did what Lupin said. Lupin reached over and held the smelling salts under Goemon's nose. After a few moments, Goemon moaned and returned to consciousness.

"Lupin," he said softly. "Lupin, you said that you want to steal a relic of the Buddha and turn it into a ring for Fujiko?"

"Yeah, that's right. Why—"

Goemon shoved Lupin away. With one smooth motion, like a bird spreading its wings, Goemon picked up his Zantetsu sword, unsheathed it, and thrust it at Lupin's chest. It just grazed his shirt, keeping Lupin pinned to the steering wheel. Lupin screamed like he had stuck his hand in a fire.

"How dare you desecrate such a blessed spiritual object!" yelled Goemon. "Lupin, though I refuse to cloud my blade with your blood, I will use any means necessary to prevent this dishonorable plan."

"Woah, woah, hold on!" Lupin shuddered and turned to Jigen. "Hey, Jigen, knock some sense into him already!"

"Everyone's entitled to his own opinion, man." Jigen got out of the car, and took a seat beside Goemon. "And mine's that Goemon's right to be really frickin' angry about this. We all know Fujiko's not gonna marry you, Lupin."

"What? Of course she is! She said so!" Lupin pouted.

Goemon and Jigen glared at him.

"Fine, then," said Lupin. He scooted back, and stood back up. "You two can stay here and sit on your asses all night while my baby and I fly the chopper."

Jigen leaned forward, drew his Magnum and held it to Lupin's temple.

"Er, eh heh." Lupin quavered violently. "I-I mean, change of plans!" His tone got angry on the last word. He reached out with his right arm and pressed a button situated under the steering wheel. Suddenly, the car seat he was in rocketed up, leaving a layer of smoke in Jigen's and Goemon's faces. "Some friends you are!" Lupin screamed from up in the air.

Goemon sheathed his sword, and Jigen lowered his gun. Even after the smoke cleared, neither of them could make out where Lupin had landed. "Well, that didn't seem like a cartoon or anything," Jigen said sarcastically. He moved back to the front. He started the car, and, with difficulty since there was no driver's seat, drove toward the temple again. "How much longer will it take to get there?"

Goemon shrugged, and his demeanor went back to normal. "Thanks for your support, Jigen. Even only two arrows are stronger than a single arrow."

"Yeah, well, somebody has to wrench Lupin's head out of his ass once in a while," said Jigen.

* * *

The rocket-powered ejector seat had limited steering. Fortunately for Lupin, he never left home without his parachute pants. They were uncomfortable, but he never knew when he'd be sent hurtling toward the ground during a heist.

Lupin reached for his behind and loosened his pants. With practiced precision, he unleashed the parachute. It was white with little red hearts on it, his Sunday best. He floated head down, gently, until he landed straight on his cheek. He stifled his moans of pain and hobbled up. He straightened his back and adjusted his clothes. He had been lucky—he'd landed right in the little inlet between the trees where Fujiko had parked the helicopter. He turned around. The orange copter was only a few paces behind him, and Fujiko was leaning, impatient, against it.

"Fancy meeting you here, Fuji-cakes," said Lupin. "You know, sometimes it seems like you come bundled with a chopper in a two-for-one deal."

"What can I say? I like to make quick getaways." Fujiko strode over to him. "Like you like to make flashy entrances."

Lupin leaned in for a kiss, but Fujiko turned her head away, so he only got her cheek. He whimpered.

Fujiko put her hand on Lupin's chest and gazed into his eyes. "Tell me, Lupin," she said, "why were you up in the air?"

"Oh, you know..." Lupin's gaze dropped to her neckline, but Fujiko pushed his chin back up.

"We'll have plenty of time for that after you steal the treasure," she said. She winked at him. "Now, where are your partners?"

Lupin crossed his arms. "Goemon's being a tight-ass again and Jigen's jealous cause he doesn't know true love. Nothing to worry about."

Fujiko nodded, and the two of them clambered into the helicopter. She started the helicopter, and the blast from the rotor sent leaves flying off the trees. They lifted off and started flying toward the temple. Borobudur was in their sights.

Fujiko looked out at the complex. "Lupin, what are all those lights?"

"Huh?" Lupin looked down and squinted. Little bright spots, each situated in front of a stupa, peppered the levels of the temple. "Looks like lanterns. I guess there was some wild party before we came."

A sound like an ancient door creaking startled them. With a crunch, a sharp line from the front of the helicopter to the tail split the cockpit in half. The creaking grew louder.

"Lupin! What's happening?!" Fujiko screeched.

"Houston, we have a problem!" Lupin leapt to Fujiko's side right as the two halves of the copter fell away from each other, sending them spinning toward the ground. Fujiko buried her head in Lupin's chest.

* * *

The halves of the helicopter smashed into the ground simultaneously. They barely missed slamming into Borobudur, as they scraped to a halt right in front of the front stairway, and only brushed against the stone wall at the temple's base.

Goemon leapt down from the tree he had been standing in and landed lightly on the grass. Jigen was waiting for him at the tree's base.

"It's pretty lucky that you didn't break anything," Jigen said.

Goemon sheathed his sword. "I do not rely on luck."

They ran toward the helicopter wreckage. Neither of them was foolish enough to think crashing to the ground at a high speed would be enough to stop Lupin. When they were halfway there, they heard a scream.

"You monsters! How could you do this to him!" Fujiko yelled. She was bent over, with her hands on what looked like a disfigured body.

Jigen and Goemon rushed to her side. "What happened to Lupin?!" shouted Jigen.

Fujiko slowly looked up at them. From the sparks flaring from the broken machinery, they could see her face was soaked with tears. Her hair looked messier than if she had been wearing a cheap wig. "You did this to him," she sniffled. "You were his own partners!" Fujiko flipped the body over. It looked like Lupin had been run over and burnt to death. They could almost see his face melting around the cheeks.

Goemon and Jigen stood dumbfounded. After a few seconds, Jigen turned to Goemon and whispered something in his ear.

Goemon nodded grimly. "Fujiko," he said, "how would you like to join your lover?!" He drew his blade with a battle-cry and slashed her face.

Fujiko gasped. Her body split open, revealing—Lupin, with two luscious apples strapped onto his jacket. He chuckled and scratched his neck. "Not my best acting?" he sheepishly asked.

"That bitch wouldn't cry so much," said Jigen.

Lupin shrugged. "That's cold, but oh well. Sorry gentlemen, but I can't argue right now. Hope you liked my dummy!" He pulled a lighter out of his pocket, and lit the stems of the apples. He flung them at his friends. "Catch ya later!" he yelled as he sprinted up the stone steps.

"They're bombs!" Goemon yelled. He grabbed Jigen's right arm and pulled him forward. They ran until they saw the wall turned a corner, and they ducked behind it in the nick of time. The bombs exploded, shattering two guardian statues that stood at the base of the stairway.

Jigen sighed with relief, and Goemon chanted in a low voice with his eyes closed.

"Hey, Goemon, what are you doing?" Jigen asked. "We have to chase him!"

"It is my responsibility as a friend to absolve Lupin of some of his karma. You know, for breaking holy objects."

Jigen gave a long-suffering sigh. "Oh man, I passed up the air-conditioning for this? Listen, Lupin just faked his own death. I think he deserves whatever karma nets him."

Goemon opened his eyes, and held up his sword. "True. Let us waste no time!"

* * *

Lupin caught up with Fujiko quickly. She wasn't even one level above the ground—she had paused and was resting against a stupa with her arms crossed over her chest. "Took you long enough, Lupin," she said. "I can barely see. These paper lanterns aren't very bright, you know!"

"Oops," Lupin said. "Looks like I forgot to give you this." He kissed her on the cheek, and handed her the flashlight.

"Hmph. This isn't your best heist," she muttered.

"But we are going to... tie the knot, aren't we?" Lupin grinned.

Fujiko blinked. "Oh. Of course, baby. I'd never let you down!" She grinned as well. "Let's grab that pretty little jewel so we can make it happen all the sooner." Fujiko turned on the flashlight, and ran of the steps. Lupin followed close behind.

After about a minute, Fuijko pace slowed down. She held up a hand and stopped Lupin in his tracks. She turned and shone the light right in his eyes. "Lupin, don't you have a way to make this journey go any faster?"

Lupin squinted. "Cut that out!"

Fujiko turned the light away.

"You should've asked me sooner, Fujiko." Lupin rifled through his jacket pockets. "Let's see here." Lupin took out a pair of what looked like little RC cars. "How about these custom-built motorized skates?"

"On stairs? No way," said Fujiko.

Lupin slipped a hand under his jacket, and pulled out a purple boot. "Okay then, let's try these actually-springy moon boots."

"That's unsafe! What if I fall?!"

Lupin scowled. "Pogo sticks?"

"That's even worse!"

"Hey, are you with me or against me, here?" He put his hands on his hips. "You're lucky I think high-maintenance girls are charming."  
"High-maintenance?! Why, I never!" Fujiko slapped him hard across the face. "Now get me what I want right now!"

Lupin sighed. He pulled out a pulley and a odd-looking grapple gun. "All right, how about this? All we have to do is hook this to a high stupa, put the pulleys on, and it'll automatically pull us up. Are you satisfied?!"

She smiled sweetly. "Of course, Lupin. You're so creative."

Lupin grinned back at her. He loaded the bolt into the gun, and aimed it. With a crack, the gun shot out of Lupin's hand. "Ow!" he yelled, holding up his cramped hand. "What the hell was that?"

Fujiko yelped. She pointed shakily down the steps. Lupin turned around. Jigen was standing on the stairs with his Magnum still smoking, and Goemon was glaring at Lupin with his sword already drawn.

"I'm sorry, Lupin!" Goemon charged Lupin. Lupin screamed and jumped left, and Goemon just stabbed the bottom of his jacket. Lupin ran in place before Fujiko pulled him to the side and his jacket ripped in half. Goemon chased them and slashed at them with his sword, but froze when they ducked behind a stupa.

Jigen sauntered up to Goemon. "Can't you see them? They're right there."

"I must be careful not to cut any spiritual relics." Goemon waited for Lupin and Fujiko to move. "If I chase Lupin too eagerly, I risk slicing this masterful creation by accident."

"You're too damn kind, you know that?" Jigen lit a cigarette. Before he could even begin to smoke it, he saw Lupin and Fujiko were slinking around the temple, from one stupa to another. "Hey, you, stop!" Jigen shot at Lupin, and Lupin dove out of the way. The bullet struck a lantern instead, putting out its flame.

"So much for being a crack shot," cooed Lupin.

Jigen fired again, and struck Lupin's tiepin. Lupin screamed, flailed his arms, and fell onto Fujiko. She tried to shove him back to a standing position, but Goemon raced over and whacked Lupin in the face with the back of his sword. Goemon kicked Fujiko's legs out, and she and Lupin fell off the level. They flew through the air and slammed against the stone, tumbling down yet another level. They lay there without moving, the breath knocked out of them.

"Hmm, it is fortunate that we weren't all that high up," said Goemon.

Jigen re-lit his cigarette and took a quick drag of it. He blew some smoke into the air, but the humid atmosphere made it feel much less satisfying than usual. "Why do you care so much about this?"

Goemon sat down to meditate. "While I am a Mahayana Buddhist, it pains me to imagine Lupin defacing any such spiritual object."

Jigen sat down next to him so that he could rest against a stupa. "What's the difference between Mahayana and... whatever it's called, anyway?"

"Hinayana Buddhism is misguided. Its practitioners seek enlightenment for themselves before others."

"Eh? I don't see you helping anybody get enlightened."

Goemon blushed. "I am but a student. I have not—" Goemon felt his sword being yanked forward. He grabbed it and stood up. A wire was twisted around the sword. From the lower level, Lupin was holding some modified fishing rod and was trying to reel in the Zantetsu sword. Fujiko was at his side, holding her pistol.

"I see you've never heard of playing possum," said Lupin. He tried again to reel in the sword, but Goemon stood firm.

Jigen drew his Magnum and aimed to shoot the fishing rod, but Fujiko fired her pistol first. Her bullet exploded and splattered pink goo all over his Magnum. Jigen didn't drop his gun, and tried to fire it, but it only clicked uselessly. "Shit!" he yelled.

Goemon looked over to see what was wrong, but that was enough for Lupin to pull the sword out of his hands. "Z-Zantetsuken!" Goemon cried. Lupin winked at him, reeling in the flexible rod and sword. Lupin waved Zantetsuken above his head and nicked the stupa next to him.

Fujiko was smiling cheerily. "Have fun with the adhesive lipstick," said Fujiko. She blew Jigen a kiss, and she and Lupin ran back to the stairs. Jigen cursed, and tried to chase after them, but Goemon stopped him.

"Jigen." Goemon looked down. "I have lost the warrior's soul."

"You don't mean—"

"I must commit seppuku!" Goemon's lips were quavering, and tears were in his eyes, but he still sat back down in his signature meditative pose. "Now I need you to cut off my head, Jigen."

Jigen looked contemplative. "Sure, I'll be your second. But I can't cut your head off, and I'm not gonna have much luck shooting it off either." He pulled at the pink glue on his gun, and only succeeded in ripping hairs out of his hand.

Goemon shook his head. "Then we have no choice. Take one of the lanterns—I must be immolated, like a monk in protest, without hope. A fitting end for me."

"I thought you already said you were just a student, not a monk." Jigen picked up a lantern. He removed the metal holding the flame in place. "We could really use some gasoline or something, Goemon."

"Don't worry. I will hold myself still as I burn." Goemon straightened his back.

"And I bet some of your old masters wouldn't really approve. Maybe you should say some prayers or something."

Goemon frowned. "You sound as if you don't actually want me to die."

"No way, man. I'm only making sure everything goes according to plan." Jigen smiled. "It's my responsibility as your friend to make sure this all goes smoothly. Absolve some of your karma, right?"

"That makes perfect sense," said Goemon. He looked up to the top of temple, but it was too dark to see the large stupa.

Jigen poked Goemon in the shoulder. "You forgot to compose your death poem."

Goemon sighed. "Thanks." He shut his eyes. A few seconds later, he spoke.

"The desire realm

is where I knew I would die.

Yet, not this way."

Jigen put the light down. "That's a syllable short."

Goemon gritted his teeth. "You're right. Let me try once more."

"All my life, I was

hoping to know the moon's peace,

but now, it is stolen."

"That one's too long," said Jigen.

Goemon didn't say anything, but his cheeks were flushed, and sweat dripped down his forehead. He spat out lines without thinking.

"If one takes a candle's flame—

and lights another wick with it,

and the first candle goes out...

does its flame still go on burning?

The existence of one's self

is those candles out in the rain!"

Jigen grinned. "That's a sijo."

"Excuse me?"

"Ooh, how original. You want to go out with a Korean poem?"

Goemon screamed in fury and shot up from the stone. He grabbed Jigen by his jacket and shook him wildly. "Why will you not let me die?!"

"Woah, woah! I thought you liked tradition!" Jigen shouted.

Goemon loosened his grip. "But..."

"But nothing. And it's pretty damn dishonorable to be ungrateful."

"I do not understand. What do you mean, ungrateful?" asked Goemon.

"I mean, it's like when I showed you how to make your own noodles instead of eating those frickin' three-minute ramen bowl things. How could you even stomach that in the first place?"

Goemon blinked. "That doesn't even remotely have to do with—"

"And after we're done playing go, and some of the pieces fall on the floor, who has to pick them up every time from under the heater or under the table?! It's always me!" With his free hand, Jigen grabbed one side of Goemon's gi. "Sometimes I feel really goddamn unappreciated!"

"Really? You could have said something sooner, Jigen. I completely understand where you're coming from."

"That's a relief, Goemon. I know we don't usually, y'know, talk." Jigen and Goemon released their grips on each other.

Jigen smiled back at him. Rain had started falling, and the water droplets were soaking through their clothes. Jigen noticed something slippery on his Magnum. The adhesive was water-soluble. He squealed in delight.

"Ah, Jigen, what were we arguing about?" asked Goemon.

"Are you nuts?" Jigen replied, as he scraped his gun clean. "We never argue. We have to stop Lupin from making an ass of himself and stealing that relic, remember?"

Goemon slowly nodded.

* * *

Lupin and Fujiko were on a roll. They were already halfway through the second area of the temple—the levels representing the form realms. They could see the outline of the stupa against the inky sky at the very top from the steps.

Lupin looked over to Fujiko. "Say, Fuji-cakes, did you know we're in the form realms?" he asked while running.

"No, why?"

He smirked mischievously. "Where the beings revel in the exquisite texture of their bodies? And there's probably some spiritual element too, but that doesn't matter, does it?" They both stopped running, and Lupin leaned into Fujiko, and puckered his lips.

Fujiko winked at him. "I'm sure it makes it all the more exotic," she said in a low voice. She tugged at her rain-soaked neckline. "Ooh, look, my clothes are all wet."

Lupin laughed and swung his arms out in excitement. But before he could grab Fujiko, he accidentally waved the Zantetsu sword in excitement so it slipped halfway out of its sheath and jammed it into one of the decorative, diamond-shaped holes in the nearest stupa.

Fujiko frowned. She turned away from him and walked off the stairs to the stupa. "Sorry, lover, but a sword's no good if it's stuck in its sheath like that." She grabbed the sword and pulled back with all her might, but it didn't budge.

Lupin threw his head back and laughed at her. "Looks like you're no King Arthur. Fujiko." He pushed her away, and grabbed it himself. He yanked it every which way, and put both his feet on the bottom of the stupa. He pulled back as hard as he could and slipped off. He fell over and smashed into the stone steps.

Fujiko smiled. "Like I said, no good."

Lupin moaned and sat up, rubbing the back of his neck. "Let's just leave it there for safekeeping and go already."

"All right." Fujiko pulled him up. "Wait, Lupin, how will we make our getaway? Goemon cut the helicopter."

"Don't worry, Fuji-cakes, we'll just run back to the car. I have a replacement drivers' seat somewhere," said Lupin. "I'll just..." Lupin rifled through his pockets for a few seconds.

"What is it?"

Lupin bit his lip. "Nothing!" He took off two fake hands, one fake foot, and searched his trousers and jacket. Lupin coughed. "You, ah, wouldn't happen to know where the car keys are, would you?"

"You lost the keys?!" Fujiko shrieked. "Doesn't the world's-greatest thief have a spare set?!"

"I left them with Jigen!" Lupin shrieked right back. "It's all his fault!"

Fujiko slapped him twice. "You're the one who gave them to him!"

"Ow! Why don't we just use your rocket-powered handglider?! Oh, that's right, it was in the helicopter, wasn't it?"

Fujiko was taken aback. "It's not my fault! Goemon cut it!"

"Maybe somebody shouldn't have decided to have me steal a Buddhist relic as a wedding gift!" Lupin stood on his tiptoes and brushed Fujiko's wet hair back, making himself look taller than her.

A bullet whizzed between them and ricocheted off a stair. Fujiko and Lupin leapt apart. "Not again!" yelled Lupin.

"Yes, again," said Goemon. He stood only three steps below them. He looked determined, but his hair was mussed and dripping rainwater. Jigen was beside him, looking exhausted. He was breathing heavily from running in the humid air.

"Give me back Zantetsuken!" Goemon yelled. "I will be merciful!"

Lupin tapped his foot on the wet stone. "Don't be so serious, guys. Look, the sword's right over there." He pointed to it. "I just put it there for safekeeping."

Goemon leapt up the stairs, and grabbed it. He pulled back hard, and the sword still refused to move an inch. Lupin and Fujiko chuckled, and started running up the stairs again.

"Could it be Zantetsuken doesn't see me as worthy?" Goemon asked Jigen.

Jigen shrugged. "Could be that. Or..." He drew his Magnum and shot the sword. With a ping, it was freed.

Goemon cried out in joy. He held the sword close to him and cradled it as if it were a newborn child. "Ah, Jigen, do you know what this means?"

"Wait. Don't say—"

Goemon drew the Zantetsu sword and held it high. "We must continue to run after Lupin!"

Jigen groaned.

* * *

By the time Lupin and Fujiko reached the top of the temple, their legs felt like jelly, and it was so muggy, they wouldn't have been surprised if they had just melted in the rain. But after they took two steps forward, up to the top level, it was like a miracle. The clouds partially cleared, and the first light of morning shone on the multicolored stonework. The central stupa, which towered over them, was surrounded by three circles of the smaller stupas. Scattered all over the top of the temple were two-hundred Buddha statues.

"Oh, Lupin, it's spectacular!" Fujiko hugged Lupin tightly.

Lupin sighed with relief. He wiped the sweat from his brow. "Yeah. It sure is." He looked, past the stupas, to the horizon. He gazed at the distant mountain range, which was tinged violet in the morning light. "There's just one weird thing..."

"Hm? What is it?" Fujiko let him go.

"Eh, never mind. Let's find that jewel!" Lupin and Fujiko ran forward, through the first ring of stupas, the second, the third, and finally reached the center. They raced around the large stupa, until Fuijko stumbled into a display case, shiny from the rain.

"Yes!" Fujiko touched the case and looked inside in awe. It didn't even have an alarm. Inside the glass, resting on a velvet pillow, lay the jewel. It looked like a large pearl, with every color of the rainbow marbled into it.

Lupin clapped his hands. He reached into his pocket to find a way to open the locks. Just as he took out his favorite lock picks he saw, out of the corner of his eye, Goemon running up to the top of the stairs.

"Oh, great," said Lupin. "Here come the killjoys."

But Goemon paused at the top off the stairs. He scanned his surroundings, confused. Jigen staggered to the top level.

"Jigen, there's something wrong," Goemon whispered to him. "There are not supposed to be these statues—"

The Buddha statues shook. In the same instant, each of them stood up and tore off stone-colored robes, revealing blue-coated INTERPOL officers. Lupin and his friends were gobsmacked. While they stood frozen in shock, the statue closest to Lupin ripped off the disguise. It was Inspector Zenigata.

"Ah-ha!" Zenigata swiftly took out his favorite pair off handcuffs, and cuffed Lupin. "I've got you now, Lupin!"

Goemon yelled and raced past five policemen, slashing their uniforms to bits. But when he raised his sword to slice the clothes off a sixth, the policeman jumped out of the way, and Goemon cut into a stupa instead. As he screamed in terrified shame, Zenigata threw handcuffs on him.

Fujiko and Jigen drew their guns, and shot the officers' weapons out of their hands. But Zenigata called for the riot guards, and a circle of officers closed in on them. They couldn't shoot anything, and Zenigata easily cuffed them as well.

After he had his officers round up all four thieves in the same place, Zenigata threw his head back and laughed. "You were all such sitting ducks! I was debating with myself, you know. I was sitting with my disguise on, twiddling my thumbs, thinking, should I just catch Lupin now, or wait till I get the whole gang? I am so glad I waited!"

Lupin smirked. "So you set this whole thing up?"

"Exactly! But hindsight's always twenty-twenty, isn't it, Lupin? This gem's just a plastic fake!" Zenigata took out a key and unlocked the display case. He grabbed the fake jewel and threw it down the stairs. Fujiko, Goemon, and Jigen felt their hearts shattering.

"I'll admit it, Pops, you're getting better in your old age. I guess you're like a bottle of wine," said Lupin.

Zenigata grew teary-eyed. "R-Really? Do you mean—wait, I'm not old!" he yelled. He turned away from Lupin. "Get them in the van yesterday!" Zenigata shouted to his policemen. They saluted him in response.

* * *

The van was dull grey, but far from lifeless. The pent-up rage of Lupin and his friends was almost palpable. All four of them were in handcuffs, and of course, all of their weapons had been confiscated. Zenigata had taken extra care with Lupin, and had emptied all of Lupin's fake limbs, and put every rumpled disguise in blast-proof boxes. Because of this, Lupin was the most indignant.

The van hit a particularly large bump, and jostled the thieves inside. Lupin took a deep, slow, breath. "Goemon!" he shouted loud enough to blow back Goemon's hair. "Goemon, this is all your fault! Didja forget what your mommy told you about cooperation?!"

"It is my duty to protect spiritual relics, Lupin!" Goemon looked like he was meditating, but his twitching muscles gave him away.

"Well that wasn't much of a relic, was it?" Lupin gritted his teeth.

"You did not know the truth either!"

Fujiko pulled her legs close and hugged them to her chest. She glared at Jigen, who had his hat pulled over half of his face. He was barely awake.

"And what about you?" Lupin asked him. "I mean, you think you know a guy! What happened to your loyalty? Since when do you side with Goemon over me?!"

Jigen pretended to snore. "Oh, sorry man, you say something?" he asked sarcastically. "From what I caught, it sounded pretty stupid."

"Jigen!" Lupin was shocked. "I have half a mind to call you a traitor."

"More like you only have half a mind, period."

Lupin's jaw dropped.

Jigen yawned. He stretched out, and tried to find a comfortable position to lean against the wall of the van. "Sorry, Lupin, but you walked right into that one. Besides, maybe the reason I'm on Goemon's side has something to do with him fainting, huh?"

Lupin made a noise like a wolf snarling. "Oh, fine," he spat, "just be celibate forever. I know you're just jealous of me."

Fujiko pouted. "You'll just end up married to Goemon," she said.

Jigen and Goemon were unfazed by this. "That will probably happen long before you ever agree to marry Lupin, Fujiko," said Goemon.

"Ugh, don't talk about marrying each other," said Lupin. "That would be like watching my parents get married."

"So your parents weren't married, Lupin?" asked Jigen.

"You leave my family out of this!"

Before the argument could escalate, the gang heard Zenigata snap at them from the police car. "Okay, that is enough! Don't make me come back there!"

Lupin and his friends quieted down, as realization dawned on each of them. They looked at each other for confirmation, and the four of them nodded simultaneously. Lupin and Goemon dove at each other. They screamed, and smacked each other. Jigen and Fujiko slapped each other and while whining like upset toddlers.

After a minute of listening to all the fighting, Zenigata stopped the police van. He stepped out of the car, swinging another pair of handcuffs in the air and looking like an angry bulldog. The other police cars had stopped after the van, and two officers accompanied Inspector Zenigata as he walked over to open the door.

"You four shut up!" yelled Zenigata. "I'm sick of your petty whining. Just accept your destinies! Especially you, Lupin. You always knew we were connected by the red thread of fate."

"Not this again," mumbled Lupin.

The two officers opened the van, revealing the thieves. Not one of them was even remotely injured. Lupin and his friends grinned evilly, before throwing themselves outside. Lupin drop-kicked Zenigata, who did a backward roll. Unfortunately for Lupin, he jumped right back up. He drew his pistol, and aimed it at Lupin.

"Hah! There's no way you can win with those cuffs on, Lupin!" Zenigata smirked.

"Look behind you!" said Lupin. Zenigata looked back, and Lupin dove forward. He swung his hands out and tried to snatch the gun out of Zenigata's hands. Zenigata let himself be pulled forward until he grabbed Lupin's hand and ran forward himself. He yanked Lupin arm, and Lupin fell back onto the ground.

"Told you so," said Zenigata. He smiled. "I've always wanted to say that."

Fujiko dashed in front of Lupin, shielding him from Zenigata. "Do you think I'll go down that easy, big boy?"

"We'll find out!" Zenigata swung his handcuffs at her, but she deftly dodged. He pulled his gun, but she sprang forward and kneed him in the groin. Zenigata's face slowly turned red, and he fell over, tears streaming from his eyes and wailing in pain.

Lupin pushed himself up. "Thanks, baby." He and Fujiko looked over to see Jigen and Goemon surrounded by police officers.

"Think we should..." Lupin begin to say.

"Obviously," said Fujiko.

Lupin ran to the van and found that Zenigata had left the door open, and the keys in the ignition. Lupin searched the front seat until he found his friends' weapons. He tossed Fujiko her Browning, and picked up Jigen's Magnum, Goemon's Zanetetsu sword, and finally, Lupin's own Walther. He passed his friends' weapons to Fujiko, and she threw them into the fray.

Jigen and Goemon easily caught their respective weapons, as if they had been waiting for them to drop out of the sky. Jigen shot the guns out of the police officers' hands, and their helmets right off their heads, and Goemon slashed their uniforms away with clean cuts.

"Once again, I shoot worthless objects," said Jigen. Goemon hit him over the head with Zantetsuken.

"Ouch," said Jigen. "Okay, that joke was pretty damn stupid."

"Hey, guys!" Lupin called from the police van. "Hurry up so we can have our high-speed chase sequence!"

Jigen and Goemon ran over and jumped into the van. Fujiko was already there. As Lupin put the pedal to the metal, Zenigata was staggering up from the ground.

"Lupin!" He shouted. "I'll remember this!"

Lupin grinned at him, and stuck his head out of the window as he sped away, police in pursuit. "Work harder, Pops!"

* * *

Late that afternoon, on a bustling street in Yogyakarta City, Lupin and friends sat at a table outside a small restaurant. They sat under the shade of an umbrella, and they were picking at some traditional Indonesian dishes. He wasn't as hungry as the others, but Goemon shoveled food into his mouth. His friends stared at him.

"Goemon, I can't believe you're so crazy about Indonesian food," said Fujiko.

Goemon immediately stopped eating. He blushed slightly, and coughed. "Of course, I prefer Japanese food. And sambal is not anywhere near as good as Iga's regional soy sauce, but... if I'm forced to dine in Indonesia, it's not like I have a choice."

"Uh... sure," said Lupin. "Oh, Fuji-cakes, I still hold your promise to marry me deep in my heart. I know the job didn't go as planned, but can you take pity on me?" Lupin grabbed her hands from across the table, and looked at her with puppy-dog eyes.

Fujiko sighed dramatically. "Lupin, of course I'd love to marry you, but to marry on a fake relic is too much of a dark omen. I'm sorry."

Lupin nodded sadly. Jigen and Goemon rolled their eyes.

"It was awfully nice of you to treat us to lunch, Lupin," said Jigen, leaning back and putting his feet on the table. "Then again, I never took you as a guy who'd hold grudges against us."

"That's right," said Lupin. "I mean, it occurred to me that this heist was flawed from the beginning. I've thought of a far more promising one in the meantime."

Jigen, Goemon, and Fujiko glanced at each other. "Don't keep us in the dark, Lupin," said Fujiko.

"Let's all fly to Korea and steal the woodblock presses that contain the entire Buddhist canon. You know, from Haeinsa temple! I know, there's eighty-four-thousand of them, but that's nothing to our skills, right, guys?"

Goemon blinked a few times. His eyes glazed over, and he slumped forward in his chair. Jigen caught him before he smacked his head on the table.

"Lupin!" Jigen and Fujiko yelled.

"What?" Lupin crossed his arms. "Geez, it's like I'm the only one around here with a sense of humor."

_THE END_


End file.
